Looking Back

I wrote in a "paper and pen" journal when Grace was a baby. Pre-blogging. I've dug up the very first journal and plan to create an entire blog capturing entries from her first year.

Here are two:

September 21, 2001

I cried a lot that first week-and into the second and there are still tears today. Today's tears probably have less to do with postpartum baby blues and more to do with the emotional aftermath of Sept. 11. My first week home I was a ball of emotion. Physially, I felt really bad. I was in regular postpartum pain--with an enlarged uterus and lochia (lots of blood) getting all over everything. Four weeks later there is still blood, but not too much pain.

My incision hurt extremely much in the beginning and I even had to change rooms and beds where I slept. I can't even describe the pain in my abdomen that I felt that time trying to get out of my bed. The computer room became the sick room, where I fruitlessly pumped faithfully after every single feeding. Well, I trusted my instincts on the pumping thing and now have the hang of when to pump. The other day, I pumped out 6 ounces total. That was unheard of in the early days.

I cried because I loved her so much and had worried about her all during my pregnancy. I thank God for letting her turn out so well, so beautiful, her delicate eyes, nose, mouth, hands, fingers, toes. Even her little {dislocated} left hip is beautiful. I cried because I was in pain and felt like David was forgetting what I had just gone through to bring Grace into the world. I cried because breastfeeding was not going well and I cried because I thought it was my fault. I cried a lot because I didn't think I deserved such an utterly innocent and sweet baby--because of the type of 'talking-back' child I turned out to be. Mama made me feel better but I don't know if I'll ever get over that feeling. I cried because I thought that David loved the baby more than he loved me, and I cried because I thought that David thought he was doing a better job at parenting than I was. It surprised me how much I cried that first week, but I'm feeling much better now.

September 26, 2001

It is a beautiful day today, just gorgeous. I'm at Weaver Street with Grace, sipping lemonade, eating fruit. Just saw Bruce and Tim. I needed out and for her to sleep a little, so I put her in her car seat and we took a ride. She's been asleep ever since. There are lots of mothers and babies here. I look at them all and talk to a lot of them. So far, most every baby is older than Grace. One day, though, I will see a tiny baby that will be younger than Grace and I will think to myself, or say out loud, "Gosh, it seems like just yesterday Grace was that little." Today is tomorrow's yesterday and yesterday's tomorrow. Did I say how beautiful it is today?