Lactose Tolerant

Every night since Thanksgiving, the four of us have been 'relaxing' at the end of the day to Delilah on 93.9 FM. After the kids are bathed, pjs on, and teeth brushed, we all retreat to Grace's very cheerful lime green and pink-motifed girly room and cozy up on her queen-sized futon of a bed for stories and Christmas music. All's well for a split second until Johnny grabs Lammie and Grace screams, and then Grace goes nuts because the "cubbers aren't right, Mommy! Noooo! Pull the sleeping bag all the way up to my neck!" Then David says, "screw this," and gets on the floor...then Johnny wants to go "sleep with Daddy," but seconds later he wants back in bed beside me, but accidentally (or was it an accident?) brushes up against Grace's leg and she screams out, "No, Johnny! You're in my spot! Leave me alone!" Then Johnny starts crying because his feelings are hurt and Daddy screams for everyone to "SHUT UP!"

Relaxing indeed.

Once everyone is finally settled into their spots and the lights are out, we listen to Delilah and her nauseating sentimental radio program, which currently is focused on holiday traditions and Christmas music. As people call in to request songs, they share bits of their lives, the good and the bad. It never fails, the caller can say:

"We feel so blessed, Delilah, because we just adopted a baby girl after ten years of trying to get pregnant, and she arrived just in time for Christmas, and we just can't believe how happy we are and how wonderful life is,"

or

"Hi, Delilah. My name's Jimmy and I'm nine. I don't have any brothers or sisters. And I don't think Christmas is going to be that good this year. My dad ran off with my teenaged babysitter and my mom squandered all of our Christmas money buying 'educational' lottery tickets. And my dog Banjo? He ran away too. And my best friend told me he didn't want to be friends anymore. And the girl I have a crush on told me that I stink and that I have a face only a mama could love. I'm just feeling really sad,"

and Delilah responds in her saccharin-bathed voice, "Is that right? I have just the song for you."