It's My Blog and I'll Cry if I Want To

The cruelty of this summer is that both of my children had milestone birthdays. Johnny turned 3 on the last day of July and Grace turns 5 tommorow. I was not prepared for the emotions that have swept over me of late, but are we ever prepared? A few weeks ago, my supe and I were doing our regular "How are you?" check in and when I mentioned that I was going to Boone to celebrate Johnny's birthday and that he'll be three, I just broke out in tears. Good thing my supe is a clinical psychologist, and right on cue, he handed me a box of tissues and said something like, "Yes, how does that make you feel?" You know when you start crying about something in particular (at least this happens to me) and then it seems like everything that is sad or has ever been sad or not right in your life comes to the forefront and you start crying about all of those things too? Well it was like that. It was like "Johnny's turning three (sob), and I might not have any more babies (sniff), and I might not be able to have any more babies (wail), because there might be something wrong with my ovaries (boo), and I have an ultrasound scheduled next week (hoo), and I miss my mom, (sob), and a little girl made fun of me in the third grade (snort)." I'm glad I was talking to a therapist who explained it was appropriate to express emotions and even grief over the loss of something so dear and important to me--in this case my baby's babyhood.

It was a long day with more unexpected emotional outbursts, and when I finally walked through the front door at home, David had a glass of wine already poured for me.

So, fast forward to last evening when I was at Harris Teeter flipping through the notebook of customized kids' cakes. I've never ordered a cake before for the kids, but this year, I wanted Grace to feel the "wow" factor at seeing her pinata, cake, plates, cups, napkins and goody bags all matching in Disney Princess glory. My princess only turns 5 once. I ordered the cake but when the sales clerk asked me my child's name and age, I literally choked back tears. I'm choking them back now even writing about this. I want tomorrow's party to be a joyous celebration (which it will be) but I have to find the time and place to cry-it-out over the fact that my little girl is 5. The summer's saving grace is that Grace doesn't start kindergarten in two days. She starts in two days plus one year.