We started getting report cards in the 4th grade (or was it 3rd?). I got straight A's until the 6th grade, and that year I made two B's. I was devastated, and as I cried, my parents cheered. They even threw a party for me. I don't know why they reacted like they did, perhaps it showed I was human?? Or they wanted me to know it was ok, that they still loved me the same? I always put the academic pressure on myself, not them. Anyway, the time has come to throw me another party, but this time I'm throwing it for myself. I got one of three assignments back on Friday in my Adult Health/Mental Health Disorders class, and I failed the assignment. Literally failed it. And no, "failing" does not mean I made a B. I made an F on this assignment. I was shocked. I knew the paper I turned in wasn't the recommended minimum but I honestly thought I had adequately covered the justification of the psychiatric diagnosis I was to give on this woman in this particular case study. The points that the professor mentioned before handing the papers back? Yeah, I included most of the points that she wanted. Also, some of the areas that were lacking in my justification paper? They were lacking in others' papers too. So from the sound of it I should have at least done average on this paper. Nope. I failed it and it was ugly.
There was an entire section that I left out regarding the patient's health issues that might be impacting her mental health. Ten points off for that. And whoa the irony there...someone's physical health impacting their mental health? Hello! That's me! In fact, I think that accounts for the majority of why I screwed up on this assignment. Because I haven't been feeling well. Or thinking as clearly. And I certainly was way more willing this go-round to turn in something ho-hum than to stay up night after night missing sleep trying to give this woman exactly what she wanted. Yeah, I missed the boat and blew it on this assignment. All I can hope for now is that my other two assignments (that were turned in before I got the first one back!) are good enough to bump my overall grade up to at least an 80 to receive a "P" instead of a Low-P. What's done is done and now I've got to let it go. And go to the beach.
I'm doing something nice for myself and am going to the beach a day before my family meets me to spend the day exactly how I want to. I need that restorative time to stroll, lie around, read, watch tv, go to a movie, eat well, drink a few cocktails, do a yogic backbend or two, all at my very own pace. I know my capabilities as a student and a future social worker do not lie with this one assignment. But I also know it doesn't feel good to fail like this, especially when I'm feeling bad already. I had only gotten about 4.5 hours of sleep the night before finishing up my other two assignments so when 4:00 PM rolled around this past Friday and I got my paper, I was pretty much toast. You want to know what my first thought was? I wanted to see my kids. I had plans to meet some friends for dinner and then to go hear some live music and I have to admit I was a bit relieved when David called me to tell me his work schedule was running way behind and he wouldn't be home in time for me to make the dinner part of my evening.
I figured that by the time he did come home, I probably wouldn't feel much like pulling myself together to go out. I was right. I got the kids home, canceled my plans, got the kids a snack, turned the tv on, and then began to cry. I really don't cry much, especially in front of the kids, but this one was kind of hard to stop. They were concerned and wanted to know what was wrong. I told them I did bad on some of my homework and then a few minutes later I told them I was also sad because I missed my Mommy. Johnny tenderly touched me on my arm and told me that my Mommy was right beside me, in spirit. Then Grace shared that she had just watched the movie "Spirit" at school and they had gotten to eat lunch in their classroom. God I love my kids.
It was bound to happen...my first really bad grade in this program, the one I love so much. I'm much better today than I was on Friday, and I know that this coming Friday I'll be even better. Maybe I had to let myself down in this way to open myself up to truly restorative healing. But that's what I'm all about for the rest of the summer, and that's something I think my mom and the rest of my family (including me) can cheer about.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I too am a recent failer (not failure). Apparently, I am not management material, according to a career battery test that I took when I was sick. Not sure if I would have passed if I had been feeling better. In an attempt to bolster my ego, I have decided that it was a bad test.
Post a Comment